Holiday Music Extravaganza

This article previously appeared on Crossfader

We know there’s been only ONE thing on your mind as Christmas approaches: our Holiday Music Extravaganza

98 Degrees – LET IT SNOW

Favorite Tracks: None 

It’s “everyone’s” favorite time of year again, and per usual, here comes a deluge of
Christmas music shlock that will be on repeat ad nauseum until the end of the month at every public space in America. LET IT SNOW joins this outdated and oversaturated pile as a downright bizarre release from 98 Degrees, a boy band from the 90s that now are not the boys they once were, but rather 44-year-old men, a disturbing and eyebrow-raising combo. Being their first commercial release in almost five years, it is a head scratcher that this may be the result of years of work. I would be lying if I said I didn’t receive any morbid sense of enjoyment from this album, listening through and laughing constantly with my roommate, who so eloquently placed LET IT SNOW as, “Kidz Bop but for out of touch adults.”

Disappointingly there is a lack of officially listed lyrics online (a testament to its future cult status to come), but even upon my first listen, it was extremely apparent that this album seems to have an unusually high number of references to Jesus Christ. I get it, it’s Christmas and it’s the birthdate of the man himself, but it becomes divulgent quickly and a little too clerical for a normal Christmas album. I’d almost consider LET IT SNOW to be quite religious in its overall composition as well, with the constant use of grand piano arrangements and full blown muzak string sections making it feel right at home in a televised mega church. The vocal harmonizing present on every track feels like a throwback to the height of the boy band movement, with none of the same charm, yet all of the cheese wiz taste. LET IT SNOW feels outdated and overproduced to a saddeningly large degree, with nothing setting it apart from any of its contemporaries or past Christmas releases. At the very least, the singing is competent; I would normally say that there is room for improvement by 98 Degrees, pushing their boundaries and experimenting artistically, but 98 Degrees are not art, they are a product.  LET IT SNOW is so blandly inoffensive and commercialized it appears to have come straight from a think tank of boardroom executives, grown in the dark recess of a boiler room and kept alive for years on boozy eggnog and shitty fruitcake until its disappointing and revolting birth. [Will Turmon]

Verdict: A Hard No

Cheap Trick – CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS

Favorite Tracks: “Merry Xmas Everyone,” “Please Come Home For Christmas,” “Remember Christmas”

Add CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS, the full-length Christmas album by Cheap Trick, yes, Cheap Trick, to the list of things that I didn’t know I needed until I had it. No, this is definitely not the somber, melodic Christmas music you’re used to, but rather a separate subgenre of Christmas music entirely. Is the music good? I mean, I guess. But the novelty of generic Cheap Trick songs taking the form of Christmas tunes is the selling point of this LP. The album opens in a big way with “Merry Christmas Darlings,” containing jovial sleigh-bells and big Cheap Trick vocals. To sum up where the band is creatively at this point in time: the word “Christmas” is in eight out of 11 of the track titles, nine if you count “Xmas.” I don’t think Rockford, Illinois’s pride and joy will be Grammy-nominated for CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS, but I do recommend the album to anyone who has at one point in their life enjoyed Cheap Trick. [Emmett Garvey]

Verdict: Recommend

Dude York – HALFTIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Favorite Songs: “Long Distance Christmas,” “True Meaning”

The perfect Christmas album is a tricky thing to nail, especially since this late into the game they tend to be (mostly) populated with covers. Dude York’s HALFTIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS doesn’t have to be nearly as good as it is, but for it to only contain one true reason-for-the-season staple (closer “Silent Night”) is a testament to both its originality and creativity. The tight and bright power pop that the band further tightened on their 2017 sophomore record serves as a great backbone for a collection of sometimes cynical, sometimes self-deprecating, always thematically on-point holiday tunes. Highlights include the fuzzy and melancholy “Long Distance Christmas,” the pseudo-Bachman-Turner Overdrive cover “Takin’ Care of Christmas,” the snowed-in love song “The Greatest Gift Is You,” and a song that urges people to think of the core values of the holiday season, “True Meaning.” At only 22-minutes, Dude York have created an ultra simplistic, super fun holiday record that doesn’t overwhelm the ears. [CJ Simonson]

Verdict: Recommend

Hanson – FINALLY IT’S CHRISTMAS

Favorite Tracks: “A Wonderful Christmas Time,” “Blue Christmas,” “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” 

It’s almost impossible to have been born before the turn of the millenium and not have heard the song “MMMBop” by Hanson. And while obviously the three Hanson brothers were much younger when that song came out, here they are 20 years later with a Christmas album, FINALLY IT’S CHRISTMAS. Hanson has a large nostalgic value for me (namely because my father used to put “MMMBop” onto the CDs he made for me as a kid), but like I’ve found with many old video games I loved as a kid, the nostalgia is much better as a vague remembrance floating around my mind. When the three were still youngsters, they had a mass appeal and were marketable child musicians. whereas now they’re just three dudes in their late 20s/early 30s who have better means of recording some songs and putting them out on streaming services than the average Joe. But they are completely different people now, and I feel as though they should have to go through the trials and tribulations that any other band of three guys their age would have to. The fact that they’re already cemented in the music industry means they don’t have to make incredible music, a promise they made good on with FINALLY IT’S CHRISTMAS. The best song on the album was one they didn’t write, a cover of Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime.” The rest of the album is overly-poppy, with little to nothing setting it aside from any other pop-indebted Christmas album I’ve ever heard. The opening of the first track, “Finally It’s Christmas,” feels like a ripoff of a Fitz and the Tantrums song and feels like forced happiness. There are some interesting harmonies present throughout the project, mainly on their rendition of “Blue Christmas,” but I can still name three versions of the song I enjoy more. The fine line of separating a positive review with a negative review is just that, very fine, and Hanson fell just below the threshold. Was it the worst music I’ve ever heard? No. But it just isn’t something I can go and rave about. Hanson, I will try my best to forget about this and try to fondly file you back in the nostalgia section of my brain. [Emmett Garvey]

Verdict: Do Not Recommend

Sia – EVERYDAY IS CHRISTMAS

Favorite Tracks: “Candy Cane Lane”

There are maybe two Christmas records that music fandom has elevated from cheap novelty to legitimately impressive artistry: the seminal 1965 soundtrack to A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS, and a 1963 holiday compilation from Philles Records featuring the talents of Phil Spector and The Ronettes. As those timestamps show, it’s hard to feel that modern artists making Christmas albums aren’t doing it for any reason other than a cynical cash grab: when they are good, Christmas songs traffic in warm, metonymic nostalgia, more often important for the emotions and memories they conjure up than their actual merits as musical releases. So what possible chance does Sia, or any other artist releasing a collection of holiday originals this year, have of coming up with something that would strongarm its way into the canon of cultural consciousness (perhaps the venerable Ms. Carey aside)? While I suppose it’s somewhat meritable to not take the easy route of simple covers, at least cover albums sell—I’ll always remember Christmas 2013, travelling around the greater South Bay on the 23rd, desperately searching for a Best Buy that still had Kelly Clarkson’s WRAPPED IN RED available for gifting to my dear mother. As such, it’s probably no surprise that EVERYDAY IS CHRISTMAS falters throughout. First of all, what the fuck is up with Sia’s voice? The actual timbre and delivery of it are powerful and engaging, of course, but has she always mumbled and mush-mouthed to this flagrant of a degree? The opening bit of the ominously-titled “Santa’s Coming For Us” sounds like Chief Keef slurring to a larger degree than I can guarantee Sia intended. The production is somewhat more organic than on her radio-indebted pop releases, mostly consisting of large amounts of saccharine, piano-heavy ballads, but even the breezier cuts sound like Meghan Trainor-lite, who is an artist I didn’t think I would ever be able to describe someone as a “lite” version of. Rounded out with the vaguely manic, demented herky-jerky nature of “Ho Ho Ho” (I can’t help but draw up the image of vengeful, demonic Krampus imps marching out of Hell when I hear it), the bafflingly cutes-y lyricism of “Puppies Are Forever,” and a song about wanting to fuck a snowman, and you’ve got something middling at best. The only song that stands out is “Candy Cane Lane,” which is pleasantly corporate enough in its cheerful blaring that I can easily picture it accompanying my obligatory trip to the mall I’ll be making once the fetid death grip of late-stage capitalism finally releases me from my shackles on December Fucking 22nd. Bah humbug. [Thomas Seraydarian]

Verdict: Do Not Recommend

Gwen Stefani – YOU MAKE IT FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS 

Favorite Tracks: “Last Christmas,” “Christmas Eve”

Analyzing the late-career output of aging pop stars struggling to maintain their celebrity by any means necessary can be quite fascinating on a character, narrative, and meta level, but it can just as easily be one of the saddest experiences ever. Gwen Stefani has gotten more flack than most for her pop sellout years, even though her solo career was probably the same track No Doubt would have taken if ROCKSTEADY was any indication. In a surprising move, her new Christmas album features six covers and six new songs inspired by her new relationship with Blake Shelton. Sadly, most of the new material doesn’t feel like it was originally planned around being Christmas tunes, and their flirtatious, puppy-love tone clashes with the vintage classiness of the covers. The music is Michael Buble-esque pop-soul with bouncy piano, loads of brass and strings, syncopated guitars akin to reggae, and the occasional stripped-down ballad. It’s mostly serviceable, and Stefani’s voice is fine, if a tad overdubbed at points. Her cover of “Last Christmas” is the most striking and vast, with a snappy snare roll, more dramatic guitars, and background vocalists that helps the rendition walk the line between vintage and modern, and the closer “Christmas Eve” is a new ballad that could have been unveiled on THE VOICE, but one I found touching all the same. It’s not as overproduced and scrubbed clean as busbee’s production usually is, and it flies by at 37 minutes. All in all, YOU MAKE ME FEEL is rather disposable, but Stefani has never come this close to rediscovering her ska roots with No Doubt and it’s nowhere near the most embarrassing thing she’s made to cling on to relevance with (that would be “Spark that Fire”). Go listen to TRAGIC KINGDOM while drunk off of eggnog to get into the Christmas spirit instead. [Blake Michelle]

Verdict: Do Not Recommend