By A clip from Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers’ LAS CULTURISTAS went viral in which their guest, Tina Fey, astutely observed that for famous people in our current day and age, “authenticity is dangerous and expensive,” which is ironic because this is the first authentic moment we’ve seen from Fey in awhile. It’s rightly brought her a lot of goodwill. Like a lot of mean, unfunny brunette women with glasses, Fey is one of my childhood heroes; I’ve read Bossypants more times than I can count, I participated in The Great 30 ROCK Rewatch of December 2023, and of course, I know every word of the original MEAN GIRLS.
This isn’t in the viral clip, but Fey goes on to ask Yang and Rogers, “Do you want to be people who keep it real and have their podcast forever, or do you want to be goddamn movie stars?” If you are a sick little pervert like me and have followed any alt comedian in Yang and Rogers’ class, you already know the answer to that question. These are fame-hungry people we’re dealing with (one of Rogers’ most recent credits was hosting a dog grooming competition show on Quibi), but I think Fey is wise in drawing that ultimatum. 10 years ago, movie stars had to visibly share their relatable opinions at all times thanks to the rise of social media, but the pendulum has sharply swung back due to overexposure and “fans” who will come after their faves for stepping out of line. Even with public platforms like Letterboxd and podcasts, comedians and “movie stars” are not critics, but they should still be free to express their (usually incredibly milquetoast) opinions without getting piled on.
Who is the new MEAN GIRLS movie, based on the musical, based on the movie, based on the book, for? Is it for the people who are nostalgic for the original 2004 MEAN GIRLS, or is it for the children that those people are not having due to the cost of living crisis? This critique has become even more trite than the seventh installment of an old franchise, but America has a real reboot problem, and no one is immune, regardless of age or culture war affiliation.
But if we must resign ourselves to vomiting up the same media over and over again like a bulimic high schooler, as our monied media executive overlords have decided, is it too much to ask for said regurgitated media to add something new to the legacy of the original piece, or for it to at least be halfway decent? Are we forever doomed to repeat the nostalgic cash-grab cycle for the rest of our earthly lives?
MEAN GIRLS (2024) completely missed the point of MEAN GIRLS (2004) by scooping out Cady Heron’s (Angourie Rice) development from “homeschooled jungle freak to certified Mean Girl to normal person” and replacing it with some painfully mediocre, flashy songs that no one outside of musical theater circles will remember five minutes after they leave the theater. Rice seems totally incapable of wiping the doe-eyed, open-mouthed look off her face whether she’s supposed to be playing naïve Cady or ice-cold Cady. It doesn’t help Rice that she is given the bottom-of-the-barrel songs here. We don’t get to meet normal person Cady in the reboot since this version ends at Spring Fling, instead of including the epilogue, which is an important distinction to make, considering this is where we see the leads chill out and truly break free from their cliques. You know, the whole point of MEAN GIRLS?
What made Lindsay Lohan’s Cady Heron real to the teens of 20 years ago was that she was always at least a little bit aware of what was going on around her, which I can’t say for Angourie Rice. Rice appears as a deer in the headlights for the entire runtime, which is just not true to the character of Cady Heron at all. The only actor who knows what movie she’s in is Reneé Rapp, our new Regina George. Although I find Rapp to be a bit of a Billie Eilish clone, she harnesses Regina’s powers, which is a testament to her acting abilities since the screenwriters totally declawed her character. There’s no montage introducing Regina with $10,000 hair insurance, or car commercials in Japan, or John Stamos. Instead, Regina introduces herself by singing “My name is Regina George…” Bitch! The real Regina would never have to introduce herself, because everyone already knows who she is! It’s also too bad Regina in particular was styled so poorly: Regina George would never wear Doc Martens or high-waisted pants. If these stylists knew anything, they would know that low-rise jeans are back in. Regina George wears only designer clothes, she doesn’t shop vintage. You can’t even make the argument that clothing styles have changed since then; look around, trend cycles are perpetually stuck in Y2K.
Aside from the subpar songs, there are a notable few updates: yes, they “made it woke,” heaven forbid we challenge anyone. Coach Carr (Jon Hamm) doesn’t sleep with any students. Cady inexplicably now has a single mom (Jenna Fischer), although any difficulties of single parenthood are never joked about or discussed. Janice (Auli’i Cravalho of MOANA fame) is frequently referred to as a “Pyro-Lez,” since the MPAA can’t handle the word “Space Dyke,” as she is called in the musical version. Janice is also actually a lesbian, instead of “Lebanese.” I’m glad they had the sense to hire Jaquel Spivey to take over the role of Janice’s sidekick Damian; his delivery of “And none for Gretchen Weiners…Bye!” is one for the books. Of course, there’s no real interrogation of Damian’s experiences as a Black gay boy in the midst of all these white teenage girls who co-opt Black culture in their style and expression. Not even a one-liner!
One huge change in the world since 2004 is the small computers we all carry with us now. The funniest smartphone commentary MEAN GIRLS provides is that Regina’s mom (Busy Phillips) is now obsessed with appearing young and hot on social media. Phillips is actually much funnier in this role because she’s less of a caricature than Amy Poehler’s original version. Poehler’s rock-hard fake tits getting mauled by a tiny dog is definitely awesome, but that’s a one-note performance, whereas Phillips adds a dash of vulnerability to Mrs. George while still not taking herself too seriously. Other than that, the phone screens only provide a sort of Greek chorus that echo which mean girl is “so back,” versus which one is “down bad,” etc. It also points out that the teens are on their phones too much, which, holy shit, did anyone else realize that???
Before you come after me for being a hater of all musicals, or at least musicals based on movies meant for a teenage demographic, I’m willing to out myself as a massive fan of the HEATHERS musical that premiered 10 years ago and unfortunately never made it out of Off-Broadway territory. I haven’t listened to the soundtrack in awhile, but I still remember all the words, the songs were that good. The HEATHERS musical pulled off the nearly impossible: maintaining the integrity of the film’s biting satire, while also adapting it for, you know, musical theater, perhaps the least edgy of any medium. If executed well, the HEATHERS musical could make an excellent movie, but without a name like Tina Fey (the new way to spell “Lorne Michaels”) attached, a project like that is unlikely to receive funding.
In truly God-tier fag hag fashion, Fey went on to say “Little Broadway cunts on TikTok complaining about two lines in ‘Revenge Party’ when I bring you Reneé Rapp, I bring you fucking Auli’i Cravahalo, Jacquel Spivey,” declaring, after notably ignoring Anjorie Rice, “This is why we can’t have nice things.” Slay queen, drag those nitpicky little Broadway cunts, but also, why does Tina Fey know what is being said about her on TikTok? Does Tina Fey name-search? And honestly, who cares if Bowen Yang liked SALTBURN or not?
As a culture, we have bigger zits to pop. We should be addressing why it is so expensive and dangerous for artists to simply say what they thought about SALTBURN. Not only that, but we can’t have nice things because all of the funding is being poured into expensive, nostalgic vanity projects instead of being invested in the next Tina Fey’s screenplay. Authenticity might be dangerous and expensive for the rich and famous, but the rest of us pay dearly for it when artists are afraid to take risks because their work won’t get made at all. A flattened culture that only churns out tired reboots because everyone is too scared to catch heat: I don’t think so, honey. Just watch the original.
Comments